Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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