Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
