So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
