I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
