69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
