I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I am never drinking with the goths again.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
