Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
