i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
