if i can run in heels then i can drive
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
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yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
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Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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