tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
