She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
