I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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