Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
