how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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