the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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