R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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