I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
