I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
