a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
