Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
