I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
