i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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