____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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