chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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