So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.