god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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