1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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