i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
