That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
