Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
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I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
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I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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