im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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