you guys were way drunker than both of me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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