He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She needs sedatives and a leash
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
