Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
