Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
