Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
