I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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