if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
