Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
