walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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