My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
