I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
