So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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