I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
