I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
