I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
