I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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