They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
