Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
