my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Randomize
