But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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