im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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