If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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