My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
