I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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