You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
