onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
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He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
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You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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