dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
