I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Randomize
