these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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