He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
